Asexuality (18+)

    (I would just like to state that this piece of writing does not reflect how I view others' relationships. Have as much sex as you want, kiss as many or as few people as you’d like, be in a committed relationship or never settle down, and feel no shame in that, I fucking salute you! This is purely my feelings about my own self, not to project onto anyone else!)

     Loveless is a novel by British author Alice Oseman and has been a large part in me coming to terms with myself. All of Alice’s work has been really. Seeing Kit Connor in his role as Nick Nelson in Heartstopper, and Aled Last in Radio Silence were two large aspects of me figuring out my identity as a genderqueer person who uses They/Them pronouns. 

     Loveless is a book about a young girl named Georgia (who I believe is a self-insert character of Alice themselves) who has never had a crush on anyone, never been kissed, never been in a relationship. As she graduates high school and moves on to university, she is determined to just get it over with, have all her big firsts, but realizes how violating they all feel to her. She describes feeling disgusted when trying to kiss the cool, hot, popular boy that she claimed to have had a crush on for years. Disgusted by how close his face was to hers, how she could feel his breath on her face. She described similar feelings later when trying to kiss her best friend Jason. 

     The chapter that spoke most to me is titled Wank Fantasy, in which Georgia and her University roommate Rooney discuss attraction and sex in an attempt to pinpoint Georgia’s type (at this point they believe she just has a very particular type). Rooney asks what Georgia thinks about when she masturbates and creates an open conversation for the two of them to share. Georgia explains that she doesn't imagine anything, in particular, gender doesn't matter in these fantasies, which Rooney gets very excited over and explains that she feels the same way, that it doesn't matter who else is participating. Georgia realizes what she is implying and states that she doesn't imagine herself and another person, she imagines exclusively other people. The idea of imagining herself in these thoughts is an immediate turn-off for her, while Rooney expresses that she imagines herself and another person. 

     Until reading this chapter, I thought how georgia feels is normal. Of course, personally I only ever masturbate to porn, and it’s never because I am aroused, sometimes I just feel like doing it. There’s never been a time when I imagined myself being a part of a sexual duo and that made me feel like I wanted that. I’ve had intrusive thoughts about it, but they are never positive. It always feels like an assault. The idea of being physically intimate with a person has always made me feel icky, and I always just thought that was shame, being AFAB in a patriarchal society that somehow still believes that women don't enjoy sex as much as men do. But also revealed in that chapter is that Georgia didn’t realize that people actually get turned on just by seeing other people like abs or cleavage can just do it for you. Same here Georgia! The idea of watching a man take his shirt off or a woman readjusting her breast and thinking “I would like to bed them!” sounds fake to me. But apparently, people feel like this. I had no clue, it's never been something that’s discussed around me, and only really having two friends doesn’t exactly open the conversation.

And I just thought, okay, that’s not that strange! Maybe I just don't like the idea of it but would like it in action and in the moment. But the more I paid attention to it, I don't think so. I was watching heartstopper for the 5th time after reading loveless and realized how uncomfortable the idea of kissing someone on the lips seems. I’m someone who can’t even share straws, cans, bite the same food that someone else has bit (or be okay with someone else finishing food of mine that I have bit) so the idea of getting that close to someone and being in there mouth actually kind of disgusts me. See, I love holding hands, hugging, kissing on the cheek even. But anything further than that feels violating, like not something I want from another person. 

I also realized how little I actually want a relationship, and I feel like everything I can think of in my head comes out to a good friendship. I want the close connection of having someone always there to do something with. But after reading a few forums on the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, I’ve never felt either of them. Which just feels like bullshit. 

I don’t know if I wish I felt attraction. I don’t know if I’m upset about not wanting a romantic partner. But I am upset about feeling less than. Rooney has this incredible monologue at the end of Loveless where she expresses her undying platonic love for Georgia, and I just felt so at home in that moment. She talks about feeling at home and alive when they’re together, about saying that they’ll be friends forever in the least superficial way possible. Like buying houses next to each other best friends. Like tearing the fence down in between their lots kind of best friends. And that is what I want. And I think reading those words made me feel hopeful, after feeling so much dread regarding my future. Hopeful that I could still have my love story.